IF I GET TO HEAVEN

If I get to heaven, hoping my good deeds outnumber my bad, I have some questions for the guy in charge. I used to imagine a panel of angels or celestial judges sitting high above me, glasses perched on the ends of their noses, their wings slightly dusty but impressive and they'd be frowning as they assessed my entrance request. They recalled the cheating in grade 13 Chemistry (of which I was not the benefactor). They looked knowingly at each other while I squirmed and sweated. The speeding ticket came up that I flirted my way out of and have never confessed my blatant misuse of personal resources. And then of course, my failed marriages. Then they'd send me to the escalator where a red devil with a fork would raise his eyebrows and smile his evil smile. "Going down?" he'd ask.

But now I imagine a rather cheerful party going on behind door number three. I sign in and turn over my list of unfinished ambitions and unrealized hopes. I slide into my heaven-issue robe and go on in.
"You made it," everyone would say in unison, as if they'd been waiting but partied on to pass the time. "That parenting thing was a real killer, aye?" they'd say, slapping me on the back and pulling me into the circle and handing me a diet coke (because I can drink diet coke there and not worry about my hiatal hernia).

The questions I would have that need clarifying, aside of underarm hair, are quite numerous. So if I had to list them in terms of priority I'd begin perhaps with some easier ones like: Why exactly are we compelled to have babies, knowing full well they will inevitably become teen-agers. Okay, maybe that's too hard. World poverty perhaps is a little easier to explain.

Why are so many elderly people frightening? Have they consumed their supply of patience? Is patience a fixed amount like the number of eggs a woman can release (which I might tell upper management were far too many in my case)?

Why do some people litter and/or never stoop to scoop?

Why does it rain when I do laundry?

When did I start hating pets?

Why is my hearing reduced in inverse proportion to my state of nervousness?

Why do expectations seem so high in fast food restaurants?

Why do I buy so many books that I may never read?

Why do I need someone else to tell me I'm okay?

Why do others appear to be grown-ups when I feel like a child and I'm past my best-before-date, and do I really want to be a grown-up? Will that mean I have to age or at least notice I have aged?

Okay, this is all too difficult. I'd better go back to running and eating properly and plan to die later when I've got my list of questions sorted out.